30 years of hurt never stopped us dreaming. No, it was the 22 years of hurt after that first 30 that really dented our confidence.
But there’s no time for all that. England’s World Cup kicks off tonight against Tunisia, and we reckon the lads will be bringing the trophy home. Why? Because we’ve looked at every World Cup we’ve failed to win and worked out that Kik has all the answers.
Let’s get started.
Mexico 1970 – England Lose to Germany
(image source: Liverpool Echo)
The defending champions lost to Germany. Can you imagine? England, losing to Germany?
It all went wrong when England subbed off the magnificent Bobby Charlton. Bobby was getting on a bit by 1970, and the fact that he smoked at half time didn’t help his stamina. As soon as he went off, the Germans took the upper hand.
Now we’re not saying that if Bobby had packed one of our vape pens in his suitcase it’d all have been different, but given that vaping is 95% less harmful than tobacco, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that Bobby would’ve finished the full victorious 90 minutes.
Spain 1982 – England Eliminated Without Losing
1982 was an odd one. Two group stages meant England managed to go out without losing a game. Draws against Spain and Germany saw the team back on the plane thanks to Kevin Keegan missing a sitter.
Now Kevin didn’t smoke (good man), but he was dog tired and unfit. Could a hit of Kik Energy Drink eliquid have perked him up enough to put the ball in the net?
Maybe? Just maybe…
Mexico 1986 – Hand. Of. God.
Here at Kik, we’re against football violence in all of its forms. But if Peter Shilton had felt the weight of one of our powerful mod kits, weighed it in his glove, and used it to clobber Diego Maradona over the head when he tried to handball it in, history could have been so, so different.
Then again, the tasty cloud from a mod kit would’ve only obscured the view even more, which would at least give the linesman an excuse for missing history’s most blatant and obvious bit of World Cup cheating.
Italia 1990 – England Lose to Germany 2: This Time It’s Penalties
(image source: the FA)
Gazza crying. Pearce’s furious face. Waddle’s penalty going into orbit. If there’s one World Cup result Kik could go back and change, it’d be this one.
We think we’ve found the solution.
Remember what we said about Shilton in 1986? Well if he’d have kept the box mod he’d used to stop Maradona four years earlier, he’d have time to learn how to do all sorts of tricks. Smoke rings, jellyfish, anything to distract enough of the German penalty takers so that England still win, even with Waddle’s massive, massive miss.
France 1998 – England Lose to Argentina Again
Forget the Hand of God. This game was all about the foot of Becks. If only David Beckham has been cool and calm, he wouldn’t have kicked out at Diego Simeone.
Maybe the referee would have sent Simeone off for his sly little stamp on poor old Goldenballs. Maybe instead of Batty missing a penalty, David Beckham slams in a 91st minute free kick to send England through?
Just think, if only the future Mr. Posh Spice had access to a cooling menthol vape, we could all have been celebrating.
Japan & South Korea 2002 – England Lose to Brazil
(image source: Birmingham Mail)
England do sometimes lose to teams other than Argentina and Germany. This time it was Brazil. In the heat of South East Asia, England couldn’t match Brazil’s silky samba style.
They just weren’t prepared for tropical heat. And that’s the thing with World Cups – the team that acclimatises fastest usually wins.
Would a whiff of some tropical fruits have helped England beat the conditions and the eventual winners? We’ll never know.
But we’ll say yes anyway. Definitely.
Germany 2006 – England Lose to Portugal
We still can’t use the winky face emoji after this one.
You remember the story. England are dominating the game. Ricardo Carvalho gets stamped on by Wayne Rooney, then cries and rolls over six times. Wayne gets the red, CR7 gives him a wink, and then England lose on penalties. Again.
As with Beckham in ’98, Wayne needs to keep his cool. But his fiery personality would’ve needed something stronger. Like our Super Mint vape liquid.
With a cool, calm Rooney on the pitch, Carragher never even has to take a penalty. England go on to win the whole thing. Easy.
South Africa 2010 – England Lose to Germany 3: This One’s a Hammering
It’s only been eight years. The hurt from this one is too raw.
If only the linesman hadn’t ruled out Frank Lampard’s perfectly good goal, England would’ve beaten Germany, then Argentina, then eventual winners Spain, and then handily dispatched Holland in the final. It all came down to that one goal.
Sounds mad? Probably. We need a doctor. Or at least a good vape of Doc’s Blend to bring us back to our senses.
Brazil 2014 – England Lose to Uruguay, Italy and Draw with Costa Rica
Even Kik can’t save this. We make vape juice, we’re not actual miracle workers.
And What About 2018?
A ball hasn’t even been kicked yet, so it’s too soon to say how Kik would change the world to bring the cup back to England.
But we’ll be watching the big #KikOff with interest. If you’re vaping along while watching the World Cup, make sure to tag us on Twitter with the #KikOff hashtag. We want to see flags, shirts and huge clouds!